Realize how blessed you are

A little over a year ago I wrote about the holiday journal that I started in 2003, the year we celebrated our first holiday season in this house.  (Read that post here.)  Earlier this week, on a quiet evening in front of the fire, I wrote my entry for this season, covering all of the events from Thanksgiving through New Year's weekend.  I realized when I was through that it was about so much more than just those events -  it was about all that had happened in the last twelve months.
In February of last year, my brother was diagnosed with brain cancer.  Since that time he's had surgery, radiation, chemo, the diagnosis of a new tumor, and then gamma knife radiation for that tumor.  Just two days after Christmas we received the news that the gamma knife radiation was successful and that the tumor was gone!  What joy!
In July my husband and I spent a wonderful week in the mountains with his brothers and sister and their spouses.  The weekend after Christmas we traveled to Florida for the funeral mass for our sister-in-law who was diagnosed with stage IV cancer soon after that July gathering.
The time with those we love is precious.  I never feel that I have enough of it, but every second I do have is blessed.
I ran across this video earlier this week - it says it beautifully. "Life is not an emergency." Slow down.  Pay attention.  Hold hands.  Say "I love you" every chance you get.  Cry together, laugh together, share meals and jokes and books and ideas and memories.  Realize how blessed you are.

A blessing pictorial

It has been almost a month since I last posted.  The lapse wasn't due to a lack of blessings, but to my inability to put them into words.  I hope the pictures that follow, along with a little description, will make up for my lack of eloquence.

A walk with my son and his family through his  neighborhood on a beautiful Saturday morning in early October.  Artists were displaying their work in their  homes and on their porches and lawns as participants in an event called "Art and Soule".

A message of Hope along the way.

There was music on the walk and we were introduced to Laurelyn Dossett and "The Gathering".

The fall color of the Japanese Maple framing the view of our front door.

A nearly full moon seen from the deck on a clear cool evening.

Multiple sightings of Monarch butterflies.
They've been stopping in the garden for a snack as they migrate to Mexico.

Discovering the music of Red June from Asheville, N.C.

Celebrating the birthdays of my grandnephew and grandniece with bugs and bubbles and fun.

Watching a bride-to-be's photo session at the Old Well on the campus of our beloved UNC-CH.

Having lunch and watching the football game in the bar of the Carolina Inn in Chapel Hill.

Having fun with other Carolina fans at "Late Night with Roy"

Completing my first half-marathon, The Durham Ramblin' Rose, with my sister.

Seeing this photo of two of my grandchildren (with their friends)
on the front of the Raleigh News and Observer
113-103yGr.St.156.jpg
(grandson Mac is on the left, granddaughter Eliza is second from the right)

Making bubbles with grandsons Grady and John Harper.

Seeing the first blooms of the season on the Camellia.

Learning that grandsons Jack and Sy are doing well in school and that
 their mother, our oldest, is off to a good start in her new job as a school media specialist.

Watching the morning light illuminate the brilliant colors of the oak leaves.

Having lunch and visiting with my two sisters, then driving home along the two-lane highway
instead of the interstate.  The highway was lined with trees at the peak of fall color.

My two sisters in Fall 2008.

Days pass and the years vanish and we walk sightless among miracles. 
Lord, fill our eyes with seeing and our minds with knowing.
Let there be moments when your Presence, like lightning, illumines the darkness in which we walk.
Help us to see, wherever we gaze, that the bush burns, unconsumed.
And we, clay touched by God, will reach out for holiness and exclaim in wonder,
“How filled with awe is this place and we did not know it.”
From the Jewish Sabbath Prayer Book


If you have been reading this blog for a while you may remember this post from February about my brother and his diagnosis of brain cancer.  Several weeks ago he received the news that another tumor, possibly two additional tumors, have appeared.  The course of treatment is undecided as I write this, but your healing thoughts and prayers for illumination in this darkness will be much appreciated.

"Sunny Side Up"

When you look at your life, the greatest happinesses are family happinesses. ~Joyce Brothers

In the issue of Parade Magazine that came with the Sunday paper there is a little quiz entitled "Sunny Side Up" by Colleen Oakley.  One of the most intriguing questions is this:
"Research shows that vacation-goers feel happiest: a) a month before they take off for their destination  b) in the middle of the vacation  c) right after they get back"
It seemed obvious to me that c was not the right answer.  But I had to think a little about a and b.  I thought there should have been another choice:  d) both a and b.
According to the article, the correct answer is a - the happiest part of vacation for many is the anticipation.  Dutch researchers found that "planning a vacation can improve your mood for up to two months before the actual trip".   The question sadly assumes that your vacation isn't likely to live up to your anticipation of it.  My vacations have generally been just as happy as the anticipation, but in a different way - a less fretful, calmer, more relaxing way.

The happiness that comes from anticipation seems to contradict one of the other questions in the quiz:
"True or false?  Optimists are happier than pessimists."  The answer is "false" and the reason is "lowered expectations mean less disappointment in life."   I do believe that having realistic expectations of life and especially of people contributes to happiness.  But I don't think that having realistic expectations makes me a pessimist.

Vacationing at the beach with my family

Back to the first question on happiness and vacations.  Vacationing with family makes me happy - the anticipation of it, the vacation itself, and the memories of it.  Most members of our family - our children and our sisters and brothers, live so far away that a visit usually involves an overnight stay.  When we vacation together what I want most - and the only real expectation I have - is that we enjoy each other's company.  I want us all to be together without expectation of anything greater than loving each other and strengthening the bond that is already there.  It helps that our vacation spots have always been places where relaxation is the primary activity and that we are aware and understanding of each other's idiosyncrasies.  I can't think of a time when the happiness of the anticipation outweighed the happiness of the time together.

The Tarleton siblings and spouses

Last weekend my husband and I spent some time in the mountains with his siblings (two brothers and a sister) and their spouses - the siblings sharing meals and going to bed under the same roof for the first time since the oldest brother left home years ago.  We were all blessed by the time together.  I don't think any of them would say that the anticipation of it made them happier than the actual time together - instead I'd say the happiness began when they realized it was actually going to happen.  The happiness lingers as they anticipate making it an annual event.
And here is the essential happiness ingredient that is not even mentioned in the Parade quiz:  love of family.

You don't choose your family. They are God's gift to you, as you are to them. ~Desmond Tutu

Love begets love

I read the obituary pages in the newspaper every morning.  Not out of morbid curiosity but because the lives of those who have died are worth notice and often honor and respect.  I pray for the families who are grieving.  News of the death of a child almost always brings tears.  As I read about men and women of my father's generation - the generation that Tom Brokaw called "The Greatest Generation" - I am often in awe of their resilience and courage. An obituary in this morning's edition began:

A Tribute to Our Parents
Mary G. Crossland
Dr. Clem C. Crossland
Carrsville, VA

I read the lengthy tribute though I didn't know the Crosslands. It told me that they were compassionate and loving people who raised five children to model their own behavior and values.  At the close of the tribute the children ask something of the reader:

There are some debts that are so enormous that they can never be repaid in full, even in a small measure – and the devotion of one's family is one of those. In honor of our parents, we ask that each of you pay it forward by treating your own loved ones with dignity, kindness and compassionate care for as long as you have the strength and resources, for you will not regret a day that you do so.

The anniversary of my father's death is tomorrow. He was also one of "The Greatest Generation" and a man of great integrity, love, and compassion. I could never repay the debt I owe for his unconditional love, for the example he set, for the values he instilled in me and my siblings. We are a strong and loving family largely because of his example. As we approach this anniversary we are gathered in spirit at all times and in body whenever possible to support my brother who was diagnosed in early February with brain cancer. But my brother is not just the recipient of support- he and his love for us are equally integral parts of this teepee we have made by leaning on one another. We support each other as we did when we gathered following my father's death last March. Love, compassion, understanding, forgiveness - these elements heal and strengthen. They are medicine for the patient and the patient's family. They flow through us from God, wrap around us, and bind us together. May you and your family be bound together in love. Pay it forward - not because it's a debt to be paid or an obligation -pay it forward because that's what love does. Love begets love.

The circle grows

Our family

is a circle of strength

and love.  With every birth and 

every union the circle grows.

Every joy shared adds

more love.

Every crisis faced together

makes the circle stronger.

I have these words in callligraphy and framed on my piano, surrounded by family wedding photos.   In my extended family every word of this is true. I was reminded of it this past weekend when we gathered at my sister's to celebrate the birth of the newest family member - a girl, my sister's grandchild and her namesake.

At the gathering were my brother and his wife, who will celebrate their first wedding anniversary this week, and my nephew and his bride-to-be.   Many of our group weren't able to be with us for the gathering, but we felt they were with us in spirit.

We have rejoiced in the additions to our family this year, and we have also grieved together.  The patriarch of our family, my father, died in March.  I wrote about how we strengthened each other in a post that week called "In the midst of grief blessings abound".  

Joy, love, strength - these are the gifts my family has given me.  G.K. Chesterton said that "gratitude is happiness doubled by wonder."   I am filled with gratitude.

 The family gathering this past weekend.

The family gathering to celebrate my dad's 89th birthday in September 2009.

I don't care how poor a man is; if he has family, he's rich. ~

Dan Wilcox and Thad Mumford, "Identity Crisis," M*A*S*H

 

You can't put a price on a piece of your heart

It was a restful weekend spent at one of the most relaxing places I know. When we arrived there was a cool breeze off the lake.  Sitting on the porch it was hard to believe how hot it had been at home earlier in the day.  On our two morning walks we saw deer cross the road and rescued a turtle.  The tiger swallowtail butterflies were everywhere.  On Saturday my daughter and her family joined us and my grandsons found out how much fun it is to play in the water.

When the thunderstorms rolled in we all retreated to the porch and watched the rain come across the lake.

This black-crowned night-heron was posing on the pier when I woke up Sunday morning.

Watching the rain, feeling the breeze, waking to a heron on the pier - all was peaceful and relaxing.  But whenever I sit on the porch of that house,  there are other pictures in my mind.

My dad, entertaining my oldest daughter, Tracy (the daughter whose sons enjoyed the water so much on Saturday.)

My dad swimming with my daughter Emi, about 1980.

My sister, expecting her first child, resting in the hammock with my daughters and my dad.

My daughters and their GrandPatty doing arts and crafts on the porch (when it was still a screened porch).

Enjoying popsicles in the butterfly chair on the porch.

My son and his Great-uncle Charles at a gathering of my husband's family.

Celebrating my brother's and my son's birthdays, just a day apart in May.

My son (right) and his cousins.

Just one of many family gatherings when the children were young.

There are hundreds of pictures of vacations, holidays, and family gatherings at this house.  I can see many of them in my mind's eye when I sit on that porch.  The value of this house can't be measured by an appraiser.  You can't put a price on a piece of your heart.

A way of holding on

Memory is a way of holding onto the things you love, the things you are, the things you never want to lose.  ~From the television show The Wonder Years

A year ago I was sitting on the porch of this house, nearing the middle of a wonderful family vacation. My father had been diagnosed with inoperable cancer just months before, but had responded well to treatment and was feeling well enough to enjoy walks on the beach, a dinner date with his beautiful wife at his favorite little restaurant, and a game of bocce ball.

This beach was one of my father's favorite places and for many years he spent a week or more there every Spring or Fall.  We felt blessed to find this house that seemed nearly perfect for our gathering.  Family members came and went throughout the week, staggering and overlapping their visits.  Some stayed at a motel just a short distance away.  The group around the dinner table varied from evening to evening, but every seat was always filled.  At the beginning of the week we shivered under blankets on the porch, but at the end we were sunning on the beach.  We talked, read, played games, laughed, and took hundreds of pictures.  We built sand castles, fished, collected shells, and shopped.  We watched the sun set.  We thought about how much we loved each other.  We made memories.
See the slideshow at the top of the blog sidebar for more pictures.

To live in hearts we leave behind

Is not to die.

~Thomas Campbell, Hallowed Ground

In the midst of grieving, blessings abound

"The difference between shallow happiness and a deep, sustaining joy is sorrow. Happiness lives where sorrow is not. When sorrow arrives, happiness dies. It can't stand pain. Joy, on the other hand, rises from sorrow and therefore can withstand all grief. Joy, by the grace of God, is the transfiguration of suffering into endurance, and of endurance into character, and of character into hope--and the hope that has become our joy does not (as happiness must for those who depend upon it) disappoint us."  Walter Wangerin, Jr.

We are in the midst of grieving, but blessings abound.  My father died Wednesday evening.  Within hours my siblings and I had gathered with my stepmother - are still gathered - to comfort one another.  We have been blessed by gifts of food, by kind words, by warm embraces, by memories shared.   We hold each other up.  Like the poles of a teepee we can't stand alone - but leaning against each other we are strong.  At each meal we pray the blessing my father always did, knowing that he was one of our greatest blessings.   He endured much suffering in his 89 years, but, by the grace of God his suffering was transfigured into endurance, and the endurance into character, the character into hope and the hope into joy.  

 Preview

Blessings big and small

The inspiration for this blog comes from this beautiful bowl, given to me as a Christmas gift by my sister a couple of years ago.  I love this bowl, with its handmade squares of paper and red ribbon.  When I look at it,  I'm reminded to think of my many blessings, even if I don't actually write them down and put them in the bowl.  But as life speeds by I realize that it would be wonderful to have a written reminder of the everyday blessings - and that if I really was good about writing them down, the bowl would be overflowing in no time.  So here I go with another blog and the hope of being faithful to its purpose.

Having said in the blog introduction that my posts will be about small blessings, I can't get started on those without first mentioning the huge blessing at the center of my life  -  my family.

I was born into this wonderful family, gathered here to celebrate my dad's 89th birthday in September.

And I was blessed to marry into this family.  (Unfortunately, there are a good many of them missing from this picture, taken at a reunion a few years ago.)

"you can kiss your family and friends good-bye and put miles between you, but at the same time you carry them with you in your heart, your mind, your stomach, because you do not just live in a world but a world lives in you."
— Frederick Buechner
I know this is true of my family.  Most of the time there are miles between us, but all of the time I carry them with me in my heart and mind.  The blessing of a loving family is so great that it carries us through all of life's pain and suffering and magnifies life's joys many times over.


Among today's many blessings were these two:
Seeing blooms on the spring snowflake,

and knowing that my two nieces, Sarah and Katie, sang in church this morning (even though I wasn't able to be there to hear them) and did so well that, in their mother's words "it brought applause even though we were in a Presbyterian Church :)"